"Why are you here promoting your perfume when your mother is in the hospital dying?"

— Elizabeth Taylor

"Actually, whales have a really shitty sense of smell."

- Megan

"Some people think luxury is the opposite of poverty. It is not. It is the opposite of vulgarity."

- Coco Chanel

"If a complete stranger suddenly gives you flowers, that's 'Impulse.' "

- Impulse Body Spray slogan writer(s)

Kendall Hart Slater
Kendall Hart Slater is not a real person, and although she is not the first fictional character to get her own fragrance, she is the first character from a soap opera to get her name slapped on a perfume. Kendall Hart Slater is the product of Erica Kane's traumatic rape on the soap opera, All My Children. It's called "Charm!" and it features notes of bergamot, black currant, orchid, Virginia cedar, and sugar. Fun fact: Kendall was portrayed by Sarah Michelle Gellar of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame from 1993-1995.

Jenna Jameson
Considering the size of this porn star's current empire, this shouldn't come as a surprise, but I thought Traci Lords would have beat Jenna to the the punch. I was wrong. Traci has Lords of Acid, Jenna has "Heartbreaker", which apparently smells like rose petals and raspberry champagne, not lube and latex. That's good, I guess.

Carlos Santana
Yes, Carlos has a men's and a women's fragrance, both of which are simply named after himself. I wish Robert Plant had a perfume instead, and that it was called "Valhalla."

Jade Goody
Remember that British reality star that died of cancer last year? Well, she has her own fragrance. It's called "Shh!" and apparently smells like citrus, a whole bunch of flowers and sandalwood. Aside from dying very publicly, Jane's only claim to fame was that she was a runner up on a reality show in 2002. This fragrance reportedly flew off the shelves for months after its 2006 release. Weeeeeeeird.

Danielle Steele
Finding out that Danielle Steele has a perfume on the market was a surprise, but not as much of a surprise as it was to discover that "Danielle" smells exactly like a Budweiser that was opened and left in the sun for two days. Here's a direct quote from Megan about this fragrance:

"It smells like my uncle."

1.  Use it as an air freshener.
2.  Regift it to someone you never hang out with.
3.  Give it to a hobo.
4.  Swap it on Makeup Alley.
5.  Deodorize your shoes.
6.  Sell it on Ebay or Craigslist.
7.  Include them as "extras" with other perfume swaps & sales.
8.  Spray it in the eyes of a mugger or rapist.
9.  Wear it while on a bad date or in a hostile work environment.
10. Return it.

"Everyone coming out of a perfume store is smelling the back of their hand."

- Jonathan Carroll

"Luxury must be comfortable, otherwise it is not luxury."

- Coco Chanel

One time I was out shopping for a new suit because I had a big presentation coming up for work and I wanted to look more important than usual. For some reason, this proved to be a nearly impossible task.  After visiting about 10 stores that did not carry ladies' suits at all, I went to a mall department store that will remain unnamed ( it rhymes with "Budson Helk") , and was offered assistance by the single saleswoman working the ladies department, a woman who was at the very least 80 years old.

It's important to know that even when I look my worst (which isn't often because I'm vain and therefore extremely vigilant about that sort of thing) I still look like I am in my mid 20s even though I am a few years older than that.  After explaining my need for a knock-out executive suit for an upcoming presentation, this woman proceeded to take me around the ladies department and show me a bunch of suits that were TOTALLY PERFECT for someone attending their 40-year-old daughter's second wedding.  Budson Helk did not make a sale that day.

The point of this anecdote is to illustrate how much I generally despise things that are age-inappropriate.  Sometimes, such as the case in the aforementioned suit incident, the inappropriateness stems from something being far too old and matronly for the wearer, but in a majority of cases, things that are age-inappropriate are such because they are far too young for someone. Examples include:

• a woman in her late 40s wearing a halter top and daisy dukes ( this is not really appropriate for anyone) 
• a 32 year old wearing black lipstick to work and making everyone call her "Raven" even though her actual name is "Mandy" and she works as a file clerk, not as a Hot Topic cashier
• everything Bret Michaels ever wears (although I do greatly admire his ability to calm a bitch down)

Perfume, like clothing, can also be age-inappropriate (See: Moon Sparkle).  Not so long ago I was a real stickler about age-inappropriate fragrances, but something inside me has dramatically changed in the past couple of weeks, and now I am not only obsessed with them, but I also have an urgent, insatiable need to own as many of them as possible before summer arrives. 

It's not that I'm some kind of wet blanket when I'm wearing a fine, well-constructed, adult fragrance. One friend of mine has even said that hanging out with me is like "having a stick of fun shoved up your ass and lighting it on fire," which is the best compliment I've ever received and also 100% accurate. However, a sophisticated fragrance, even if it's sexy, will not give me the same shamelessness needed to make the most of a summer night out that J-Lo's "Glow After Dark" might give me.

As a result of these life changing epiphanies, as the weather gets warmer, my fragrance collection will be expanding with perfumes no one ever expected to see on my dresser. They will be fruity, boozy, sweet, sticky, and plastered with the names of pop stars. When I'm out and someone asks me what I'm wearing, my answer might be "Beyonce Heat."  If it is, there's a good chance that they will make snarky remarks about my fragrance choice just as soon as I'm out of earshot, but I'm okay with that.  We'll see who's laughing when I'm having a pineapple-scented, 3-way-dance-floor-make-out party and spilling a Tequila Sunrise all over my dress and they're waiting in line for the bathroom so they can pull their ill-fitting Spanx out of their ass.

"I like perfume and flowers."

- Donatella Versace