Oh, Thierry Mugler, you crazy Frenchman!  I love you and your olfactory genius!  I love Angel, I love Innocent , and now I love Womanity!

However, this is a love that, at first, did not seem meant to be. Let's go back in time to a few months ago, a time before my nose had ever touched this fragrance and my knowledge of Womanity was based purely on press releases and preliminary product reviews.  In spite of loving Mugler's other creations and a consistently concerted effort not to formulate opinions about scents I've yet to smell,  I hated almost everything I knew about Womanity from the first moment I read about it.

Let's start with the name: Womanity. What? Really, Thierry? When someone asks me what I'm wearing, I'm going to have to say that ridiculous "word" out loud? Yeah, no. I'm not doing that.

Then we have Womanity's ridiculous "bond between women" brand messaging -  I'm convinced there's an army of ad executives somewhere that are still working on replacing all the pants they ruined when they forced this campaign so hard they shit themselves. I'm extremely insulted by the entire concept and its components: 

• An "artsy" product website covered in platitudes submitted by "real" women with music I'm either supposed to use as a yoga backdrop or a soundtrack to a tear-filled epiphany about my vagina
• A separate Womanity "ambassador" site with a ridiculous splash page (REALLY? A SPLASH page? In 2010? ) plastered with a trio of  women holding the world's most unintentionally scary Halloween masks – women that I'm pretty sure would also like to advise me on yeast infection treatments, tampons, and what to do when I get that not-so-fresh feeling
• The overall presumption that women don't already have a bond, and that Thierry Mugler himself is the only one who can see this travesty and fix it – with perfume

The notes in Womanity are simply said to be caviar, fig, and fig wood, and early reviewers actually described the top note as being somewhat fishy which nearly sent me over the edge for reasons that should be obvious. Luckily for Thierry, my going over the edge would never affect him in the least and even if it magically did, I didn't completely fly off the deep end because:

•  The bottle with its kick ass Gigeresque embellishment is crazy awesome and -
•  Thierry Mugler is responsible for two of my favorite olfactory creations in the universe so I felt compelled to give him the benefit of the doubt until I smelled this perfume for myself.

Now let's fast-forward to 3 days ago when Megan finally caught me in a moment when I wasn't already doused in another perfume. She had me try on the Womanity she received in the form of a deluxe sample from a Mugler rep. and what can I say? I LOVE IT.

There's absolutely nothing fishy about it – the caviar note manifests itself in the form of the fleeting essence of a salty sea spray that almost immediately melds itself with the sweet, rich aroma of figs.  The heart delivers on Mugler's attempt to create a fragrance that is both savory and sweet, and the "caviar" note's transformation to just plain salt adds a dimension to the fragrance that, much like the hearts of his other creations, cannot be compared to anything else.  The base retains the salty-sweetness of the heart, but the understated fig wood note smooths things out and allows the scent to live out its extended dry down in a form that's still sexy but much less dramatic.

If you're not into sillage, Womanity is definitely not for you. In fact, neither the sillage nor the lasting power leave anything to be desired – I sprayed it on myself early in the evening and could still smell it the next morning.

Everything about it sings autumn and winter to me just as richly as Angel and Innocent do, but with less spice and more sugar. I love the smell of fig, but find it's usually executed in a way that's perfectly pleasant but just a touch too dainty ( Guerlain's Aqua Allegoria Figue-Iris) , or with a cheap, heavy hand ( Bath and Body Works' Brown Sugar and Fig).

Womanity isn't cheap but it's not over-the-top expensive, and for a normal perfume user, even a 1.7 oz. bottle ( $78)  should last for quite some time. 

However, I still wish the ad campaign had been entirely different and it was named something I wasn't embarrassed to speak aloud, like maybe "Fig de la Mer" or "L'océan de la Figure" or even just, "Fig and Sea Spray." Really.

Angel was a big shit deal when it came out back in '92, and has managed to stay a big shit deal over the course of the past 18 years. I loved it as a teen and then moved on to other things – lesser things – and have recently rediscovered it thanks to Megan's recent obsession with it. There's nothing else on the market like it, and in fact, it's so distinctive that I thought I would have trouble wearing it again because the smell so intensely puts me in a specific time and place that it was actually a disorienting experience to put it on at all ( Yeah, you had your highlights, winters of '94 and '95, but I do NOT need to relive you ).  Eventually, smelling it so often built up a cache of envy that overpowered my need to be oriented anywhere in time, and now I am once again Angel's slave.

Angel is BIG. It is not for everyone. It is over-the-top, and it will absolutely overpower any perfume anyone within a 20 foot radius is wearing.  There are some qualities about it that are slightly gourmand, but it's not nearly as sweet as its notes would suggest.  It's spices and woods I smell in the end – it could almost be described as a sweet patchouli except that it has far more dimension. Although it's big and wild – or maybe because it's big and wild – it's absolutely a smell for the extravagantly rich and those who mingle with (but don't serve) them.

This stuff comes in just about every shape and size anyone has ever imagined, many of which are refillable. I would not be surprised to find that there is a special edition dodecohedron container in existence. Even at a discount, this stuff will cost you, but the lasting power Angel has is unmatched, which means you can get quite a bit of mileage even out of the classic .08 oz. star bottle.

Expect to pay anywhere between $30 – $165 depending on the shape, size and rarity of your bottle.

I didn't realize it until I received my sample  in the mail, but sometimes, especially as the weather gets cooler and the air starts smelling like chimneys and burning leaves, it suddenly becomes necessary to smell like a sexy humidor.  I'll be the first to admit that I didn't think a humidor could ever be something I aspired to smell like, and although Decadence and Debauchery is extremely androgynous (possibly even erring on the side of masculine), there is something insanely sensual and untamed about it.

Years ago, my work commute made it necessary to drive past a line of tobacco warehouses that, in the summertime, saturated the air with a heavy sweetness that gave me a head rush by simply breathing, regardless of whether my windows were up or down. 

I've tried many other tobacco themed perfumes and oils over the past year and a half and they never seem to get it quite right. When I would see tobacco listed as a fragrance note in a perfume, I imagined it would mirror the smell hovering around those old tobacco warehouses, but they never delivered, instead leaving me with the dank, lasting, odor of cheap, stale cigarettes. Not so with Decadence and Debauchery.  There's no head rush in this bottle, but the aroma of sweet tobacco is here, carefully balanced with vanilla bourbon. Hints of violet leaves, resin, blood orange and bergamot round it out and give it depth. 

It is my expert opinion that this fragrance smells almost entirely like Debauchery and only a tiny bit like Decadence. I adore it – though I must advise – you should sample it first because it's not for everyone.

The packaging is 100% recycled materials and the oil itself is made from 100% natural ingredients. Visit the "For Strange Women" Etsy shop and your very own 7mL bottle can be had for $20.

Once again it's a hot, humid day with no chance of rain here in my corner of the globe, but I am optimistic that global warming has not yet progressed to the point where autumn no longer exists, and am therefore waiting for the arrival of fall with a mixture of longing and enthusiasm. To help speed things along (in my mind, anyway) , I've already started making a list of perfumes from last fall's fragrance wardrobe that will definitely make the cut as well as auditioning new fragrances.

Rather than go to the mall and cram my pockets full of perfumed pieces of card stock and douse myself in one or more of the new perfume contenders, I've instituted a much better perfume auditioning system that allows me to sample things at my leisure, get an accurate picture of a what a particular fragrance smells like on its own (as opposed to mixed with the 10 other perfumes I've just inhaled), AND actually know the name of what I'm smelling ( instead of guessing which perfumed card I'm holding up to my nose).

It's quite simple really: I obtain samples.

However, contrary to popular belief, not every store that carries perfumes, not even (and sometimes especially) department stores, has samples on hand to give you. No, those ladies at the fragrance counters aren't being stingy bitches and hording the samples for themselves. It's that the actual fragrance companies just don't disseminate those little sample vials the way they used to. So where does one get samples these days?

1. SEPHORA

Truth be told, I hate the customer service at Sephora, but the fact is, if you can manage to flag down a salesperson, they will, at no cost, make and label a sample vial of whatever perfume(s) you're interested in trying. Drawbacks are that Sephora is often crowded, sales associates don't seem to enjoy making perfume samples, and you are limited to sampling from whatever that particular store's offering is. However, Sephoras are everywhere and you don't have to do this every day, so if you wake up one day feeling less like an ax murderer than usual, it's worth a jaunt. Just make sure you get at least 3 samples out of the whole fiasco.

2. NORDSTROM

Nordstrom, though known for its customer service, suffers from many of the same drawbacks as Sephora.  Nordstrom stores are also few and far between comparatively speaking, so depending on where you live, this may not be a realistic option for you. However, they do have a larger selection than Sephora in most cases, and if you become exasperated after collecting your perfume samples here, there's a shoe department to look forward to. Yeah, that's right. I just talked about perfume and shoes in the same paragraph. So what?  I have a period! I like flowers! Sometimes I purposely watch movies that I know will make me cry!  If you're judging me, you can stop right now, get your ass in the kitchen, and make me a cup of herbal tea.

3. THE INTERNET

Aaah. The internet.  My favorite! The internet's drawbacks is that the samples aren't free and you don't get any immediate gratification. However, you DO get to look forward to getting something exciting in the mail, and your choices are TOTALLY UNLIMITED!

Here are some sites to get you started:

LuckyScent

The thing I love about LuckyScent is that they have a niche, and that niche happens to be niche – niche fragrances, that is. LuckyScent is a website that peddles very expensive and hard to find perfumes. The coolest part? SAMPLES. Even if you never plan on buying a $135 bottle of Citizen Queen by Juliette Has a Gun, you can treat yourself to a $3 sample vial, no problem. They have a huge selection, and their sample prices range from $2-$10, all contingent upon how expensive the mother bottle is.

The Perfumed Court

You can literally get samples of whatever you want, in whatever size you want, and as many as you want from this web-based business specializing in samples and decants of rare, vintage, and exclusive fragrances – including perfumes that are otherwise only available outside of the U.S.! It's a small operation run by three fragrance enthusiasts born from a labor of love. Added bonus? They even have themed sample packs for those who want to experiment with a particular note, fragrance house, scent family, or any other category you can imagine, without having to do the research yourself. These ladies have done the research for you already. Prices range from $3 – $150+ depending on what you're in the market for.  Want a well-researched sampler pack containing 50 historical classics that span an entire century? Well, they have that.  Just need a vial of Guerlain's L'Heure Bleue? They have that too. 

Scented Monkey

The Scented Monkey website is your run-of-the mill, online store that sells discounted mainstream perfumes, but the difference is that you can get a sample of just about anything they sell for $2.99. 

3. ETSY

I'm giving Etsy it's own category for a reason: it's a storefront for a vast array of small and home perfumers that make amazing fragrances, most of which are cruelty-free, many of which are organic.  Their perfumes tend to be made in small batches, use quality ingredients, and reduce your chances of running into an evil smell twin by about a trillion. However, my favorite thing about all the Etsy perfumers is that they're EXTREMELY affordable, even though the oils and sprays offered are almost always made with better quality ingredients.

Some of my personal favorites are:

Wiggle Perfume

Complex, sexy perfumed oils with hard-to-resist vintage packaging are only part of why I love this shop so much. This girl is not afraid to experiment, and she also understands something that's extremely important to me: I usually wear perfume for sex appeal. You can sample any of her perfume oils for $1.50 a pop. My personal favorites are Sakura and Penelope, but I've got 10 more samples on the way to my house right now so that could change by next week.

Alkemia Apothecary and Perfumery

This perfumer offers an ever rotating selection of unique fragrance oils inspired by foods, spices, herbs, flowers and incense. If you're into earthier smells, you're bound to find something you love here. You can get a 3 pack of samples for $10, but if you buy a bottle of her oil for $12, she usually throws a few samples in anyway, so you might as well spring for something that sounds good. It's worth the risk. My favorites have been Seduction Cacao and Vert sur le Vert ( it's exactly what you'd smell if you took a deep breath after a faceplant in the middle of a dewy meadow), but again, I've got new ones en route, so who knows what my favorites will be in a few days?

Wylde Ivy

Affordable, huge selection, a smell for almost every olfactory itch you can think of, and for $15 you can get 10 sample vials of your choice. She currently has a separate category for fall-inspired scents, which I only just noticed this very moment and now I'm going to wrap up this very long blog entry so I can go obtain some of those.

Go forth and obtain samples, and by go forth, I really just mean go to a different website that has perfume samples to offer you!

( Oh, one more thing: don't forget about the September Giveaway. So far no one has entered so it's like shooting fish in a barrel at this point. That's how that euphemism goes, right? Shooting fish in a barrel? That's weird, huh? )

Here in the south it might be a sweltering 94°F with a heat index of 100°F and a humidity level you could swim in — but it's still the end of summer. The end of summer means the beginning of fall, and with the beginning of fall comes a slew of new fall fragrances. Not all of them have been released yet, but some of them have, and one of those is "Dark Kiss" from the ubiquitous body product giant, Bath and Body Works.

I grabbed a preview sample of the lotion earlier this month to even out an exchange I was making and initially threw it right into my box of "boxed fragrances" – i.e. shit I'm never going to use.

Why so dismissive, you ask? It's not because I'm too good for Bath & Body Works, because I'm not (and neither are you). It's because the name of the fragrance is "Dark Kiss" which, in addition to last year's "Twilight Woods" release, is another thinly veiled play on a naming device created to appeal to fans of the Twilight series – i.e. not me. I'll admit it – I have a weakness for vampire fiction, but I seem to be one of about ten people on earth who think Bella's a stupid bitch and vegan vampires are for pussies.  

Eventually I did get around reading the description for Dark Kiss and thought the notes sounded nice, so I gave it a try, and what do you know? I liked it! Dark Kiss is a fruity floral, but it's a dark fruity floral with an ambery finish. It's top notes include incense, plum and blackberry, while the heart contains amber, rose, geranium and peony, with a base of vanilla, labdanum, vetiver, and musks. I would definitely define it as a cool weather fragrance best suited for nighttime, but I'm also not the perfume police so you can wear it whenever you want.  It's sexy but casual, distinct but inoffensive, and sweet without being cloying.

Because it's a Bath & Body Works product it's cruelty-free ( which means no animal testing – at least according to Peta's standards. Yay for baby bunnies!) and it's affordable enough to purchase at retail. But why buy it when you could get it for free by entering September's giveaway? Here's the deal:

The Prize:

A brand new, full sized bottle of the Dark Kiss EDT and a full-size bottle of the matching lotion. ( That's a $40 value. Your love is worth exactly $40 to me, people. )

The Protocol:

You'll get one entry for each of the following actions:

1. "Like"  How to Smell a Whale on Facebook ( If you're already a Facebook fan, don't worry. That counts too!)

2. Follow How to Smell a Whale on Twitter. ( If you're already a follower, that counts too!)

3. Add How to Smell a Whale to your RSS feed.  ( If you're already subscribed, don't worry. That counts too!)

4. Link to How to Smell a Whale in any capacity from your website, blog, Facebook page, Twitter stream, or sex cam chat room. You get one entry for every link I can verify!

5. Post a comment on this entry letting me know which of the above 3 steps you've done, and then tell me what smells instantly make you think of fall. They can be perfumes, but they don't have to be – they can be any smell at all.

You will also get an additional entry for every comment you contribute to a blog post throughout the month. The comment has to be an actual contribution and can't just say "shit" or "boobs" unless it turns out those single word comments do actually add to the discussion, which, on this blog, is entirely possible.

At the end of the giveaway, a winner will be chosen at random. The more entries you've got, the better your chances of winning. The giveaway starts today and ends September 28th. The winner will be announced on September 29th.

Don't screw it up!

Kendall Hart Slater
Kendall Hart Slater is not a real person, and although she is not the first fictional character to get her own fragrance, she is the first character from a soap opera to get her name slapped on a perfume. Kendall Hart Slater is the product of Erica Kane's traumatic rape on the soap opera, All My Children. It's called "Charm!" and it features notes of bergamot, black currant, orchid, Virginia cedar, and sugar. Fun fact: Kendall was portrayed by Sarah Michelle Gellar of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame from 1993-1995.

Jenna Jameson
Considering the size of this porn star's current empire, this shouldn't come as a surprise, but I thought Traci Lords would have beat Jenna to the the punch. I was wrong. Traci has Lords of Acid, Jenna has "Heartbreaker", which apparently smells like rose petals and raspberry champagne, not lube and latex. That's good, I guess.

Carlos Santana
Yes, Carlos has a men's and a women's fragrance, both of which are simply named after himself. I wish Robert Plant had a perfume instead, and that it was called "Valhalla."

Jade Goody
Remember that British reality star that died of cancer last year? Well, she has her own fragrance. It's called "Shh!" and apparently smells like citrus, a whole bunch of flowers and sandalwood. Aside from dying very publicly, Jane's only claim to fame was that she was a runner up on a reality show in 2002. This fragrance reportedly flew off the shelves for months after its 2006 release. Weeeeeeeird.

Danielle Steele
Finding out that Danielle Steele has a perfume on the market was a surprise, but not as much of a surprise as it was to discover that "Danielle" smells exactly like a Budweiser that was opened and left in the sun for two days. Here's a direct quote from Megan about this fragrance:

"It smells like my uncle."

PERFUME NAME:
Wild Musk

PERFUME HOUSE:
Coty

PERFUMER:
?

YEAR:
1972

OLFACTIVE FAMILY:
Oriental Floral

DESCRIPTION:
The description says this perfume contains musk, vanilla, jasmine and rose notes, but I'm doubtful there's any rose in here.

CONCENTRATION:
Cologne Spray

MY EXPERIENCE:

Coty Wild Musk smells more "musty" than "musky". I would never wear it. I wish I could say more about it, but it's unpleasant in a way that's particularly bland so there's not much to elaborate on. It would be like trying to describe the funky aftertaste tap water has in some cities. It's just not good water. This is not good perfume.

I wish the Perfume Time Machine had taken me on a more pleasant trip to the 80s, but it didn't. With a single exception, this trip has smelled terrible. I'm not saying I'd never go back, but it will be in the far future and next time I am not staying at the fucking Super 8.

PERFUME NAME:
Exclamation

PERFUME HOUSE:
Coty

PERFUMER:
?

YEAR:
1988

OLFACTIVE FAMILY:
It's marketed as an Oriental, but it's actually more of a Fruity-Floriental, if there ever was such a thing.

DESCRIPTION:
Amazon lily, orange flower, jasmine, bergamot, musk, patchouli and amber.

CONCENTRATION:
Cologne Spray

MY EXPERIENCE:

Finally! A perfume from the 80s that doesn't make me regret my birth the instant I smell it!  Exclamation, a cheap, drugstore fragrance with one of the most memorable commercial slogans in history ("Make a Statement Without Saying a Word") is actually really pleasant.  I might be a little more excited about this fragrance right now than I would be had I smelled it in a different context – for example, not after inhaling a series of excrement's most formidable competitors for the "Worst Smell in the Universe" contest – but I don't have a headache and I'm not grimacing! I think…yes…I think I like it!  I really like it!

I can definitely smell the musk, but it's pleasant and doesn't overwhelm the ambiguous fruity notes that open the perfume.  However, when I think about the word "exclamation" it brings to mind something daring and loud, but this fragrance is actually soft – sensual even.  Exclamation is the voice of a woman quietly asking a man if he needs any water while she's up because they've just finished having sex and he immediately dozed off, but she still has to get up to go to the bathroom so she can avoid getting a urinary tract infection.  When Exclamation comes back to bed she'll whisper, "Here you go," but he won't immediately wake up. Exclamation will then say in a slightly louder whisper, "Hey! I brought you some water!"  This time the man will wake up and smile before taking a single, teeny, tiny sip, and then he'll roll over and go back to sleep.

I doubt I would wear Exclamation if I was out to really impress anyone, but it's more than good enough for lounging around the house watching the Olympic figure skating Megan recorded a couple of weeks ago.  Hey, did anyone else see that skater who was originally found as a 9-day-old street orphan in Brazil but was adopted by a French couple and then spotted by his current trainer in a public skating ring at the tender age of four? What a dreamboat.

PERFUME NAME:
Giorgio

PERFUME HOUSE:
Giorgio Beverly Hills

PERFUMER:
Bob Aliano

YEAR:
1981

OLFACTIVE FAMILY:
Floral

DESCRIPTION:
According to the description on fragrantica.com, this perfume's top notes are orange blossom, peach, apricot and trails of sweet and fresh bergamot. The middle notes are ylang-ylang, seductive tuberose, gardenia, jasmine, rose and orchid. Base notes are warm sandalwood, patchouli, vanilla, amber, cedar, oakmoss and musk.

CONCENTRATION:
Parfum

MY EXPERIENCE:

All I really knew about Giorgio before this smell test is that it was the ultimate symbol of luxury and decadence in the 80s. Now I imagine that the people who could afford this status symbol could also afford a lot of cocaine, which obstructed their sense of smell enough to prevent them from realizing the violent, headache-inducing pain they were inflicting on everyone within a 1 mile radius. Legend has it that one restaurateur actually banned Giorgio, and said he didn't want his restaurant to smell like his mailbox.  I certainly understand the inclination to ban this perfume from any eating establishment, but to be completely honest I don't understand the mailbox analogy. Did "mailbox" mean something different in the 80s? 

Anyway, when this little bottle first arrived I took the cap off for a quick sniff so I could prepare myself for the full-on smell test that was to take place later. That quick sniff just smelled like baby shampoo, and since Giorgio had arrived around the same time as my bottle of Love's Baby Soft, I suddenly wondered if it was very stylish in the 80s to smell like a baby. This theory was completely dismissed when I did the real smell test. The moment this perfume was released from its protective enclosure,  my nose was accosted so violently that it spread throughout my entire face and I briefly thought someone was stabbing me in my eyes and ears.

This perfume is a screamer, and I don't mean that in a novel, sexy way. Giorgio's unrelenting, chemically floral scent propels itself onto its victims in the form of a piercing, bloodcurdling scream – one so horrific that it could only come from someone who passed out in a dumpster after a night of drugs and binge drinking, then awoke to discover they were being crushed to death by a trash compactor. 

Do you want it? Just say the word and it's yours.

PERFUME NAME:
Love's Baby Soft

PERFUME HOUSE:
Dana

PERFUMER:
?

YEAR:
1974

OLFACTIVE FAMILY:
Technically I think this is a floral, but in reality it's…not.

DESCRIPTION:
According to one site, "powdery florals accompanied by wood and animalic scents."

CONCENTRATION:
Eau de Cologne

MY EXPERIENCE:

I'm going to start by addressing the elephant in the room and point out that the Love's Baby Soft bottle looks like a dildo or a really large suppository.

Okay. Onward.

I really hate the smell of baby powder and consequently hate the smell of Love's Baby Soft. I thought it smelled terrible in middle school; it still smells terrible today.

If you genuinely enjoy the smell of baby powder, Love's Baby Soft will take you on a wonderful trip down memory lane in some dude's Z28. That guy is too old for you, by the way, and in a few years you're going to realize how creepy it is that he was 22 and you were only 15.

However, if you (like me) think smelling like a baby is repulsive unless you're actually a baby, Love's Baby Soft will cause you to grimace and make exaggerated gagging noises to convey your displeasure to any human within earshot.

*     *     *     *     *

GIVEAWAY TIME!

Who wants some Love's Baby Soft? You do?! That's perfect, because I want to give it to you! All you need to do is tell me what it is about it that you like. I genuinely want to know what is appealing about it because this was once insanely popular; surely there is a reason. Tell me what I'm missing! This is for SCIENCE!

You can tell me in the comments area for this post or if you would like to keep your affection for Baby Soft a secret from the other readers of this website, you can just email me.

Oh, one more thing – I don't want to disappoint you, but the bottle for this giveaway is only .5 fl. oz. and therefore shaped like a heart instead of a suppository.