Oh, Thierry Mugler, you crazy Frenchman!  I love you and your olfactory genius!  I love Angel, I love Innocent , and now I love Womanity!

However, this is a love that, at first, did not seem meant to be. Let's go back in time to a few months ago, a time before my nose had ever touched this fragrance and my knowledge of Womanity was based purely on press releases and preliminary product reviews.  In spite of loving Mugler's other creations and a consistently concerted effort not to formulate opinions about scents I've yet to smell,  I hated almost everything I knew about Womanity from the first moment I read about it.

Let's start with the name: Womanity. What? Really, Thierry? When someone asks me what I'm wearing, I'm going to have to say that ridiculous "word" out loud? Yeah, no. I'm not doing that.

Then we have Womanity's ridiculous "bond between women" brand messaging -  I'm convinced there's an army of ad executives somewhere that are still working on replacing all the pants they ruined when they forced this campaign so hard they shit themselves. I'm extremely insulted by the entire concept and its components: 

• An "artsy" product website covered in platitudes submitted by "real" women with music I'm either supposed to use as a yoga backdrop or a soundtrack to a tear-filled epiphany about my vagina
• A separate Womanity "ambassador" site with a ridiculous splash page (REALLY? A SPLASH page? In 2010? ) plastered with a trio of  women holding the world's most unintentionally scary Halloween masks – women that I'm pretty sure would also like to advise me on yeast infection treatments, tampons, and what to do when I get that not-so-fresh feeling
• The overall presumption that women don't already have a bond, and that Thierry Mugler himself is the only one who can see this travesty and fix it – with perfume

The notes in Womanity are simply said to be caviar, fig, and fig wood, and early reviewers actually described the top note as being somewhat fishy which nearly sent me over the edge for reasons that should be obvious. Luckily for Thierry, my going over the edge would never affect him in the least and even if it magically did, I didn't completely fly off the deep end because:

•  The bottle with its kick ass Gigeresque embellishment is crazy awesome and -
•  Thierry Mugler is responsible for two of my favorite olfactory creations in the universe so I felt compelled to give him the benefit of the doubt until I smelled this perfume for myself.

Now let's fast-forward to 3 days ago when Megan finally caught me in a moment when I wasn't already doused in another perfume. She had me try on the Womanity she received in the form of a deluxe sample from a Mugler rep. and what can I say? I LOVE IT.

There's absolutely nothing fishy about it – the caviar note manifests itself in the form of the fleeting essence of a salty sea spray that almost immediately melds itself with the sweet, rich aroma of figs.  The heart delivers on Mugler's attempt to create a fragrance that is both savory and sweet, and the "caviar" note's transformation to just plain salt adds a dimension to the fragrance that, much like the hearts of his other creations, cannot be compared to anything else.  The base retains the salty-sweetness of the heart, but the understated fig wood note smooths things out and allows the scent to live out its extended dry down in a form that's still sexy but much less dramatic.

If you're not into sillage, Womanity is definitely not for you. In fact, neither the sillage nor the lasting power leave anything to be desired – I sprayed it on myself early in the evening and could still smell it the next morning.

Everything about it sings autumn and winter to me just as richly as Angel and Innocent do, but with less spice and more sugar. I love the smell of fig, but find it's usually executed in a way that's perfectly pleasant but just a touch too dainty ( Guerlain's Aqua Allegoria Figue-Iris) , or with a cheap, heavy hand ( Bath and Body Works' Brown Sugar and Fig).

Womanity isn't cheap but it's not over-the-top expensive, and for a normal perfume user, even a 1.7 oz. bottle ( $78)  should last for quite some time. 

However, I still wish the ad campaign had been entirely different and it was named something I wasn't embarrassed to speak aloud, like maybe "Fig de la Mer" or "L'océan de la Figure" or even just, "Fig and Sea Spray." Really.

Angel was a big shit deal when it came out back in '92, and has managed to stay a big shit deal over the course of the past 18 years. I loved it as a teen and then moved on to other things – lesser things – and have recently rediscovered it thanks to Megan's recent obsession with it. There's nothing else on the market like it, and in fact, it's so distinctive that I thought I would have trouble wearing it again because the smell so intensely puts me in a specific time and place that it was actually a disorienting experience to put it on at all ( Yeah, you had your highlights, winters of '94 and '95, but I do NOT need to relive you ).  Eventually, smelling it so often built up a cache of envy that overpowered my need to be oriented anywhere in time, and now I am once again Angel's slave.

Angel is BIG. It is not for everyone. It is over-the-top, and it will absolutely overpower any perfume anyone within a 20 foot radius is wearing.  There are some qualities about it that are slightly gourmand, but it's not nearly as sweet as its notes would suggest.  It's spices and woods I smell in the end – it could almost be described as a sweet patchouli except that it has far more dimension. Although it's big and wild – or maybe because it's big and wild – it's absolutely a smell for the extravagantly rich and those who mingle with (but don't serve) them.

This stuff comes in just about every shape and size anyone has ever imagined, many of which are refillable. I would not be surprised to find that there is a special edition dodecohedron container in existence. Even at a discount, this stuff will cost you, but the lasting power Angel has is unmatched, which means you can get quite a bit of mileage even out of the classic .08 oz. star bottle.

Expect to pay anywhere between $30 – $165 depending on the shape, size and rarity of your bottle.

Here in the south it might be a sweltering 94°F with a heat index of 100°F and a humidity level you could swim in — but it's still the end of summer. The end of summer means the beginning of fall, and with the beginning of fall comes a slew of new fall fragrances. Not all of them have been released yet, but some of them have, and one of those is "Dark Kiss" from the ubiquitous body product giant, Bath and Body Works.

I grabbed a preview sample of the lotion earlier this month to even out an exchange I was making and initially threw it right into my box of "boxed fragrances" – i.e. shit I'm never going to use.

Why so dismissive, you ask? It's not because I'm too good for Bath & Body Works, because I'm not (and neither are you). It's because the name of the fragrance is "Dark Kiss" which, in addition to last year's "Twilight Woods" release, is another thinly veiled play on a naming device created to appeal to fans of the Twilight series – i.e. not me. I'll admit it – I have a weakness for vampire fiction, but I seem to be one of about ten people on earth who think Bella's a stupid bitch and vegan vampires are for pussies.  

Eventually I did get around reading the description for Dark Kiss and thought the notes sounded nice, so I gave it a try, and what do you know? I liked it! Dark Kiss is a fruity floral, but it's a dark fruity floral with an ambery finish. It's top notes include incense, plum and blackberry, while the heart contains amber, rose, geranium and peony, with a base of vanilla, labdanum, vetiver, and musks. I would definitely define it as a cool weather fragrance best suited for nighttime, but I'm also not the perfume police so you can wear it whenever you want.  It's sexy but casual, distinct but inoffensive, and sweet without being cloying.

Because it's a Bath & Body Works product it's cruelty-free ( which means no animal testing – at least according to Peta's standards. Yay for baby bunnies!) and it's affordable enough to purchase at retail. But why buy it when you could get it for free by entering September's giveaway? Here's the deal:

The Prize:

A brand new, full sized bottle of the Dark Kiss EDT and a full-size bottle of the matching lotion. ( That's a $40 value. Your love is worth exactly $40 to me, people. )

The Protocol:

You'll get one entry for each of the following actions:

1. "Like"  How to Smell a Whale on Facebook ( If you're already a Facebook fan, don't worry. That counts too!)

2. Follow How to Smell a Whale on Twitter. ( If you're already a follower, that counts too!)

3. Add How to Smell a Whale to your RSS feed.  ( If you're already subscribed, don't worry. That counts too!)

4. Link to How to Smell a Whale in any capacity from your website, blog, Facebook page, Twitter stream, or sex cam chat room. You get one entry for every link I can verify!

5. Post a comment on this entry letting me know which of the above 3 steps you've done, and then tell me what smells instantly make you think of fall. They can be perfumes, but they don't have to be – they can be any smell at all.

You will also get an additional entry for every comment you contribute to a blog post throughout the month. The comment has to be an actual contribution and can't just say "shit" or "boobs" unless it turns out those single word comments do actually add to the discussion, which, on this blog, is entirely possible.

At the end of the giveaway, a winner will be chosen at random. The more entries you've got, the better your chances of winning. The giveaway starts today and ends September 28th. The winner will be announced on September 29th.

Don't screw it up!

Normally I write my content way ahead of time and schedule it to post at 7am every morning, which could give one the impression that I am up and writing about perfume at 6am like a crazy person. I am not, but if someone did believe that I was I would be completely flattered that someone on earth thought I was capable of doing anything coherent at 6am.

Anyway, today's post was not written ahead of time. I had every intention of posting something this morning instead, but I thought that it would be better if I went out first for a quick perfume smelling expedition, which morphed into an all-day event that included Megan and Megan's mom (who's in town for the week), and being a stereotype of my gender, I also bought some shoes because they were on crazy sale.

But look, I'm home now! And here it is – my final review for the Amazing and Obscenely Affordable Vol.1 review series:

PERFUME NAME:
Moon Sparkle

PERFUME HOUSE:
Escada

PERFUMER:
?

YEAR:
2007

OLFACTIVE FAMILY:
Fruity. They claim Floral Fruity, but the Floral is a lie.

DESCRIPTION:
Its top notes are strawberry, black current, citrus and red fruits. Heart notes include freesia and sweet pea, and questionably, jasmine and rose. The base notes are raspberry, sandalwood, musk and amber.

CONCENTRATION:
Eau de Toilette

MY EXPERIENCE:

The first thing you need to know is that there is absolutely nothing classy, elegant, or refined about Moon Sparkle. If you are looking for something to wear to the symphony or your grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary, this is definitely not the perfume for you.  If you are looking for something you can wear to work, this is also not for you unless you're a sex worker, a candy store cashier, or depending on the venue, a bartender. It's low brow, it's for teenagers, it instantly makes me think of floozies, and frankly, it's a smell that should have been born a body spray.

Now I need to tell you that I FUCKING LOVE MOON SPARKLE. This fragrance, which smells like really sugary berries and passionfruit in a way that makes me crave Jolly Ranchers, is a guilty, age-inappropriate pleasure that falls into a category of perfumes that transport me to some time and place where I am a different person and I am club hopping on a really hot, humid, summer night. When I smell it it's as if I've already had about four cocktails and a couple of shooters and my girl posse and I are on our way to our 3rd club. My strapless mini dress is out of sorts and I am drunkenly trying to fix it in time to smile at an oncoming group of dudes that I am SO sure ALL want me and holy shit, where the hell did I put my lip gloss? OMG, seriously, where the FUCK is it?!! Can I borrow yours?! HURRY UP!!!!

If you are over the age of 23, this fragrance can only be pulled off with any trace of dignity in the summertime, when the smell of sugary fruit is a more than welcome alternative to the body odor of passers-by.  I would not attempt to wear this at ALL, EVER, with anything that remotely resembles office wear, not even business casual. Don't you worry, though. You'll have plenty of places to wear this stuff. You can easily pull off Moon Sparkle at:
 

• A tropical resort
• Someone's crazy house party
• A rave
• The club
• The bar
• Disney World
• Home, by yourself

Now, if you think you can handle the demanding conditions to which you must vigilantly adhere in order to enjoy Moon Sparkle without consequence, make sure you go big. Get the 3.3 oz. bottle, and when you spray it on, spray it on with reckless abandon. Treat it as though it were mosquito repellent and you're lost in Southeast Asia; leave no bare skin uncovered.

You can go to the store and pay retail for the 3.3 ounce bottle which would be $70 and really silly, or you can poke around online and find it for around $30.

Oh, and don't forget to tune in next week for Perfume Time Machine: Scents of the 80s!

Compared to some perfume collectors, my stash is modest. Compared to the average person on the street, I have every perfume ever conceived of in the space time continuum. In my defense, my purchases are all calculated, each perfume serving a specific purpose. Some of those purposes include:

• Making me feel rich while I'm grocery shopping
• Ensuring my perspiration smells like fruit so strangers will think I'm magical
• Keeping people's attention during work-related meetings
• Confirming that life is devoid of all hope as I'm crying alone in my bedroom during week 4 of my birth control pill pack every month
• Alleviating the symptoms of spring fever
• Boosting my self-esteem by eliciting compliments from total strangers

and obviously the most important of all:

• Exponentially increasing my chances of making out with someone really hot

Given that the aforementioned purpose is usually pretty high up on my list of priorities, it makes sense that I have more perfumes that serve that purpose than any other, and even more sense that my personal Holy Grail of all the fragrances I've worn is the one that has brought me the most success in that department.

So, here it is. My Holy Grail of fragrances:

PERFUME NAME:
Miss Dior Cherie

PERFUME HOUSE:
Christian Dior

PERFUMER:
Christine Nagel

YEAR:
2005 ( reformulated in 2007 )

OLFACTIVE FAMILY:
Chypre Fruity according to fragrantica.com but I'm going to veto that and say it's a Floral Fruity.

DESCRIPTION:
Top notes include wild strawberry leaves and something called "green tangerine". I'm pretty sure there is no such thing as a green tangerine, but I appreciate the sentiment. The heart notes claim to be caramel popcorn, violets, wild strawberry, and pink jasmine. The base is musk and patchouli.

CONCENTRATION:
Eau de Parfum

MY EXPERIENCE:
I am not looking forward to the day I look 35 (which at the current rate I am aging should happen when I'm about 46) because that will be the day this sweet, intoxicating smell will officially be age inappropriate and I will have to retire it. This fragrance is clearly marketed to the hip, modern gal in her early 20s to early 30s as evidenced by its fruity, carefree scent and this commercial directed by Sophia Coppola:

While I'm not much of a bicycle rider and my French, though persistent, is really fucking terrible, this young lady and I clearly share the same MO: Making out with hot dudes then immediately flying away with a bunch of balloons, allowing everyone in town to see our underwear.

This fragrance is criticized by many as not being "sophisticated" enough for the Dior line, but those people are missing the point of this fragrance entirely. The name of this fragrance is Miss Dior Cherie after all, not "Matronly Dior" or "Dior Spinster".  

Miss Dior Cherie is a joyful blend of sweet, ripened berries and a hint of soft, romantic flowers – probably pink ones ( definitely not violets, as claimed in Dior's description). This fragrance comes dangerously close to being a gourmand scent, which based on my scientific research is a positive attribute for me and about 70% of the heterosexual male population. 

This perfume smells like warm, sunny days free of obligation, silk bows, heart-shaped lockets, reckless abandon, and someone who has really shiny hair. The dry down lasts for quite awhile and remains faintly sweet, but that faint sweetness comes with a tart, woody accord that prevents it from turning into maraschino syrup. This aspect is especially appreciated in the event that you still need to smell good when you…you know…wake up in the morning.

I wear it often and for many reasons: when I need to lift my mood, when my outfit is particularly well accessorized, when kittens are cute, when pink is for girls, when the sky is blue, when rainbows have colors and because of its track record of success, when I need to achieve a minimum of second base with a hot guy and subsequently fly away.

*   *   *   *  *

THERE'S STILL TIME TO ENTER THE GIVEAWAY!

The prize you receive probably won't get you any hot action unless you're going for the 70+ set, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to win! All you have to do is leave a comment on any entry on this website and you will be entered in a random drawing to win a gag-inducing miniature bottle of Shatimar – err, I mean, Shalimar. The winner will be chosen on the evening of March 4th and announced on March 5th. 

"If this smell was a flavor of syrup at IHOP I would love it, but it's not, so I don't."

- Kerry, on Samsara