Oh, Thierry Mugler, you crazy Frenchman!  I love you and your olfactory genius!  I love Angel, I love Innocent , and now I love Womanity!

However, this is a love that, at first, did not seem meant to be. Let's go back in time to a few months ago, a time before my nose had ever touched this fragrance and my knowledge of Womanity was based purely on press releases and preliminary product reviews.  In spite of loving Mugler's other creations and a consistently concerted effort not to formulate opinions about scents I've yet to smell,  I hated almost everything I knew about Womanity from the first moment I read about it.

Let's start with the name: Womanity. What? Really, Thierry? When someone asks me what I'm wearing, I'm going to have to say that ridiculous "word" out loud? Yeah, no. I'm not doing that.

Then we have Womanity's ridiculous "bond between women" brand messaging -  I'm convinced there's an army of ad executives somewhere that are still working on replacing all the pants they ruined when they forced this campaign so hard they shit themselves. I'm extremely insulted by the entire concept and its components: 

• An "artsy" product website covered in platitudes submitted by "real" women with music I'm either supposed to use as a yoga backdrop or a soundtrack to a tear-filled epiphany about my vagina
• A separate Womanity "ambassador" site with a ridiculous splash page (REALLY? A SPLASH page? In 2010? ) plastered with a trio of  women holding the world's most unintentionally scary Halloween masks – women that I'm pretty sure would also like to advise me on yeast infection treatments, tampons, and what to do when I get that not-so-fresh feeling
• The overall presumption that women don't already have a bond, and that Thierry Mugler himself is the only one who can see this travesty and fix it – with perfume

The notes in Womanity are simply said to be caviar, fig, and fig wood, and early reviewers actually described the top note as being somewhat fishy which nearly sent me over the edge for reasons that should be obvious. Luckily for Thierry, my going over the edge would never affect him in the least and even if it magically did, I didn't completely fly off the deep end because:

•  The bottle with its kick ass Gigeresque embellishment is crazy awesome and -
•  Thierry Mugler is responsible for two of my favorite olfactory creations in the universe so I felt compelled to give him the benefit of the doubt until I smelled this perfume for myself.

Now let's fast-forward to 3 days ago when Megan finally caught me in a moment when I wasn't already doused in another perfume. She had me try on the Womanity she received in the form of a deluxe sample from a Mugler rep. and what can I say? I LOVE IT.

There's absolutely nothing fishy about it – the caviar note manifests itself in the form of the fleeting essence of a salty sea spray that almost immediately melds itself with the sweet, rich aroma of figs.  The heart delivers on Mugler's attempt to create a fragrance that is both savory and sweet, and the "caviar" note's transformation to just plain salt adds a dimension to the fragrance that, much like the hearts of his other creations, cannot be compared to anything else.  The base retains the salty-sweetness of the heart, but the understated fig wood note smooths things out and allows the scent to live out its extended dry down in a form that's still sexy but much less dramatic.

If you're not into sillage, Womanity is definitely not for you. In fact, neither the sillage nor the lasting power leave anything to be desired – I sprayed it on myself early in the evening and could still smell it the next morning.

Everything about it sings autumn and winter to me just as richly as Angel and Innocent do, but with less spice and more sugar. I love the smell of fig, but find it's usually executed in a way that's perfectly pleasant but just a touch too dainty ( Guerlain's Aqua Allegoria Figue-Iris) , or with a cheap, heavy hand ( Bath and Body Works' Brown Sugar and Fig).

Womanity isn't cheap but it's not over-the-top expensive, and for a normal perfume user, even a 1.7 oz. bottle ( $78)  should last for quite some time. 

However, I still wish the ad campaign had been entirely different and it was named something I wasn't embarrassed to speak aloud, like maybe "Fig de la Mer" or "L'océan de la Figure" or even just, "Fig and Sea Spray." Really.

Angel was a big shit deal when it came out back in '92, and has managed to stay a big shit deal over the course of the past 18 years. I loved it as a teen and then moved on to other things – lesser things – and have recently rediscovered it thanks to Megan's recent obsession with it. There's nothing else on the market like it, and in fact, it's so distinctive that I thought I would have trouble wearing it again because the smell so intensely puts me in a specific time and place that it was actually a disorienting experience to put it on at all ( Yeah, you had your highlights, winters of '94 and '95, but I do NOT need to relive you ).  Eventually, smelling it so often built up a cache of envy that overpowered my need to be oriented anywhere in time, and now I am once again Angel's slave.

Angel is BIG. It is not for everyone. It is over-the-top, and it will absolutely overpower any perfume anyone within a 20 foot radius is wearing.  There are some qualities about it that are slightly gourmand, but it's not nearly as sweet as its notes would suggest.  It's spices and woods I smell in the end – it could almost be described as a sweet patchouli except that it has far more dimension. Although it's big and wild – or maybe because it's big and wild – it's absolutely a smell for the extravagantly rich and those who mingle with (but don't serve) them.

This stuff comes in just about every shape and size anyone has ever imagined, many of which are refillable. I would not be surprised to find that there is a special edition dodecohedron container in existence. Even at a discount, this stuff will cost you, but the lasting power Angel has is unmatched, which means you can get quite a bit of mileage even out of the classic .08 oz. star bottle.

Expect to pay anywhere between $30 – $165 depending on the shape, size and rarity of your bottle.

I didn't realize it until I received my sample  in the mail, but sometimes, especially as the weather gets cooler and the air starts smelling like chimneys and burning leaves, it suddenly becomes necessary to smell like a sexy humidor.  I'll be the first to admit that I didn't think a humidor could ever be something I aspired to smell like, and although Decadence and Debauchery is extremely androgynous (possibly even erring on the side of masculine), there is something insanely sensual and untamed about it.

Years ago, my work commute made it necessary to drive past a line of tobacco warehouses that, in the summertime, saturated the air with a heavy sweetness that gave me a head rush by simply breathing, regardless of whether my windows were up or down. 

I've tried many other tobacco themed perfumes and oils over the past year and a half and they never seem to get it quite right. When I would see tobacco listed as a fragrance note in a perfume, I imagined it would mirror the smell hovering around those old tobacco warehouses, but they never delivered, instead leaving me with the dank, lasting, odor of cheap, stale cigarettes. Not so with Decadence and Debauchery.  There's no head rush in this bottle, but the aroma of sweet tobacco is here, carefully balanced with vanilla bourbon. Hints of violet leaves, resin, blood orange and bergamot round it out and give it depth. 

It is my expert opinion that this fragrance smells almost entirely like Debauchery and only a tiny bit like Decadence. I adore it – though I must advise – you should sample it first because it's not for everyone.

The packaging is 100% recycled materials and the oil itself is made from 100% natural ingredients. Visit the "For Strange Women" Etsy shop and your very own 7mL bottle can be had for $20.

Once again it's a hot, humid day with no chance of rain here in my corner of the globe, but I am optimistic that global warming has not yet progressed to the point where autumn no longer exists, and am therefore waiting for the arrival of fall with a mixture of longing and enthusiasm. To help speed things along (in my mind, anyway) , I've already started making a list of perfumes from last fall's fragrance wardrobe that will definitely make the cut as well as auditioning new fragrances.

Rather than go to the mall and cram my pockets full of perfumed pieces of card stock and douse myself in one or more of the new perfume contenders, I've instituted a much better perfume auditioning system that allows me to sample things at my leisure, get an accurate picture of a what a particular fragrance smells like on its own (as opposed to mixed with the 10 other perfumes I've just inhaled), AND actually know the name of what I'm smelling ( instead of guessing which perfumed card I'm holding up to my nose).

It's quite simple really: I obtain samples.

However, contrary to popular belief, not every store that carries perfumes, not even (and sometimes especially) department stores, has samples on hand to give you. No, those ladies at the fragrance counters aren't being stingy bitches and hording the samples for themselves. It's that the actual fragrance companies just don't disseminate those little sample vials the way they used to. So where does one get samples these days?

1. SEPHORA

Truth be told, I hate the customer service at Sephora, but the fact is, if you can manage to flag down a salesperson, they will, at no cost, make and label a sample vial of whatever perfume(s) you're interested in trying. Drawbacks are that Sephora is often crowded, sales associates don't seem to enjoy making perfume samples, and you are limited to sampling from whatever that particular store's offering is. However, Sephoras are everywhere and you don't have to do this every day, so if you wake up one day feeling less like an ax murderer than usual, it's worth a jaunt. Just make sure you get at least 3 samples out of the whole fiasco.

2. NORDSTROM

Nordstrom, though known for its customer service, suffers from many of the same drawbacks as Sephora.  Nordstrom stores are also few and far between comparatively speaking, so depending on where you live, this may not be a realistic option for you. However, they do have a larger selection than Sephora in most cases, and if you become exasperated after collecting your perfume samples here, there's a shoe department to look forward to. Yeah, that's right. I just talked about perfume and shoes in the same paragraph. So what?  I have a period! I like flowers! Sometimes I purposely watch movies that I know will make me cry!  If you're judging me, you can stop right now, get your ass in the kitchen, and make me a cup of herbal tea.

3. THE INTERNET

Aaah. The internet.  My favorite! The internet's drawbacks is that the samples aren't free and you don't get any immediate gratification. However, you DO get to look forward to getting something exciting in the mail, and your choices are TOTALLY UNLIMITED!

Here are some sites to get you started:

LuckyScent

The thing I love about LuckyScent is that they have a niche, and that niche happens to be niche – niche fragrances, that is. LuckyScent is a website that peddles very expensive and hard to find perfumes. The coolest part? SAMPLES. Even if you never plan on buying a $135 bottle of Citizen Queen by Juliette Has a Gun, you can treat yourself to a $3 sample vial, no problem. They have a huge selection, and their sample prices range from $2-$10, all contingent upon how expensive the mother bottle is.

The Perfumed Court

You can literally get samples of whatever you want, in whatever size you want, and as many as you want from this web-based business specializing in samples and decants of rare, vintage, and exclusive fragrances – including perfumes that are otherwise only available outside of the U.S.! It's a small operation run by three fragrance enthusiasts born from a labor of love. Added bonus? They even have themed sample packs for those who want to experiment with a particular note, fragrance house, scent family, or any other category you can imagine, without having to do the research yourself. These ladies have done the research for you already. Prices range from $3 – $150+ depending on what you're in the market for.  Want a well-researched sampler pack containing 50 historical classics that span an entire century? Well, they have that.  Just need a vial of Guerlain's L'Heure Bleue? They have that too. 

Scented Monkey

The Scented Monkey website is your run-of-the mill, online store that sells discounted mainstream perfumes, but the difference is that you can get a sample of just about anything they sell for $2.99. 

3. ETSY

I'm giving Etsy it's own category for a reason: it's a storefront for a vast array of small and home perfumers that make amazing fragrances, most of which are cruelty-free, many of which are organic.  Their perfumes tend to be made in small batches, use quality ingredients, and reduce your chances of running into an evil smell twin by about a trillion. However, my favorite thing about all the Etsy perfumers is that they're EXTREMELY affordable, even though the oils and sprays offered are almost always made with better quality ingredients.

Some of my personal favorites are:

Wiggle Perfume

Complex, sexy perfumed oils with hard-to-resist vintage packaging are only part of why I love this shop so much. This girl is not afraid to experiment, and she also understands something that's extremely important to me: I usually wear perfume for sex appeal. You can sample any of her perfume oils for $1.50 a pop. My personal favorites are Sakura and Penelope, but I've got 10 more samples on the way to my house right now so that could change by next week.

Alkemia Apothecary and Perfumery

This perfumer offers an ever rotating selection of unique fragrance oils inspired by foods, spices, herbs, flowers and incense. If you're into earthier smells, you're bound to find something you love here. You can get a 3 pack of samples for $10, but if you buy a bottle of her oil for $12, she usually throws a few samples in anyway, so you might as well spring for something that sounds good. It's worth the risk. My favorites have been Seduction Cacao and Vert sur le Vert ( it's exactly what you'd smell if you took a deep breath after a faceplant in the middle of a dewy meadow), but again, I've got new ones en route, so who knows what my favorites will be in a few days?

Wylde Ivy

Affordable, huge selection, a smell for almost every olfactory itch you can think of, and for $15 you can get 10 sample vials of your choice. She currently has a separate category for fall-inspired scents, which I only just noticed this very moment and now I'm going to wrap up this very long blog entry so I can go obtain some of those.

Go forth and obtain samples, and by go forth, I really just mean go to a different website that has perfume samples to offer you!

( Oh, one more thing: don't forget about the September Giveaway. So far no one has entered so it's like shooting fish in a barrel at this point. That's how that euphemism goes, right? Shooting fish in a barrel? That's weird, huh? )

One time I was out shopping for a new suit because I had a big presentation coming up for work and I wanted to look more important than usual. For some reason, this proved to be a nearly impossible task.  After visiting about 10 stores that did not carry ladies' suits at all, I went to a mall department store that will remain unnamed ( it rhymes with "Budson Helk") , and was offered assistance by the single saleswoman working the ladies department, a woman who was at the very least 80 years old.

It's important to know that even when I look my worst (which isn't often because I'm vain and therefore extremely vigilant about that sort of thing) I still look like I am in my mid 20s even though I am a few years older than that.  After explaining my need for a knock-out executive suit for an upcoming presentation, this woman proceeded to take me around the ladies department and show me a bunch of suits that were TOTALLY PERFECT for someone attending their 40-year-old daughter's second wedding.  Budson Helk did not make a sale that day.

The point of this anecdote is to illustrate how much I generally despise things that are age-inappropriate.  Sometimes, such as the case in the aforementioned suit incident, the inappropriateness stems from something being far too old and matronly for the wearer, but in a majority of cases, things that are age-inappropriate are such because they are far too young for someone. Examples include:

• a woman in her late 40s wearing a halter top and daisy dukes ( this is not really appropriate for anyone) 
• a 32 year old wearing black lipstick to work and making everyone call her "Raven" even though her actual name is "Mandy" and she works as a file clerk, not as a Hot Topic cashier
• everything Bret Michaels ever wears (although I do greatly admire his ability to calm a bitch down)

Perfume, like clothing, can also be age-inappropriate (See: Moon Sparkle).  Not so long ago I was a real stickler about age-inappropriate fragrances, but something inside me has dramatically changed in the past couple of weeks, and now I am not only obsessed with them, but I also have an urgent, insatiable need to own as many of them as possible before summer arrives. 

It's not that I'm some kind of wet blanket when I'm wearing a fine, well-constructed, adult fragrance. One friend of mine has even said that hanging out with me is like "having a stick of fun shoved up your ass and lighting it on fire," which is the best compliment I've ever received and also 100% accurate. However, a sophisticated fragrance, even if it's sexy, will not give me the same shamelessness needed to make the most of a summer night out that J-Lo's "Glow After Dark" might give me.

As a result of these life changing epiphanies, as the weather gets warmer, my fragrance collection will be expanding with perfumes no one ever expected to see on my dresser. They will be fruity, boozy, sweet, sticky, and plastered with the names of pop stars. When I'm out and someone asks me what I'm wearing, my answer might be "Beyonce Heat."  If it is, there's a good chance that they will make snarky remarks about my fragrance choice just as soon as I'm out of earshot, but I'm okay with that.  We'll see who's laughing when I'm having a pineapple-scented, 3-way-dance-floor-make-out party and spilling a Tequila Sunrise all over my dress and they're waiting in line for the bathroom so they can pull their ill-fitting Spanx out of their ass.

Read the review for Moon Sparkle and then think of Ocean Lounge as its younger, sluttier cousin. Ocean Lounge smells even more like candy than Moon Sparkle, has a lot more citrus and definitely a little more sugar. It might not be age appropriate for anyone over 23, but it sure does cheer me up when I have 10 straight hours of work to get through and I can't get my face warm to save my life. A 3.3 oz. bottle can be had for $70 retail or $30-$40 if you do some detective work.

Normally I write my content way ahead of time and schedule it to post at 7am every morning, which could give one the impression that I am up and writing about perfume at 6am like a crazy person. I am not, but if someone did believe that I was I would be completely flattered that someone on earth thought I was capable of doing anything coherent at 6am.

Anyway, today's post was not written ahead of time. I had every intention of posting something this morning instead, but I thought that it would be better if I went out first for a quick perfume smelling expedition, which morphed into an all-day event that included Megan and Megan's mom (who's in town for the week), and being a stereotype of my gender, I also bought some shoes because they were on crazy sale.

But look, I'm home now! And here it is – my final review for the Amazing and Obscenely Affordable Vol.1 review series:

PERFUME NAME:
Moon Sparkle

PERFUME HOUSE:
Escada

PERFUMER:
?

YEAR:
2007

OLFACTIVE FAMILY:
Fruity. They claim Floral Fruity, but the Floral is a lie.

DESCRIPTION:
Its top notes are strawberry, black current, citrus and red fruits. Heart notes include freesia and sweet pea, and questionably, jasmine and rose. The base notes are raspberry, sandalwood, musk and amber.

CONCENTRATION:
Eau de Toilette

MY EXPERIENCE:

The first thing you need to know is that there is absolutely nothing classy, elegant, or refined about Moon Sparkle. If you are looking for something to wear to the symphony or your grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary, this is definitely not the perfume for you.  If you are looking for something you can wear to work, this is also not for you unless you're a sex worker, a candy store cashier, or depending on the venue, a bartender. It's low brow, it's for teenagers, it instantly makes me think of floozies, and frankly, it's a smell that should have been born a body spray.

Now I need to tell you that I FUCKING LOVE MOON SPARKLE. This fragrance, which smells like really sugary berries and passionfruit in a way that makes me crave Jolly Ranchers, is a guilty, age-inappropriate pleasure that falls into a category of perfumes that transport me to some time and place where I am a different person and I am club hopping on a really hot, humid, summer night. When I smell it it's as if I've already had about four cocktails and a couple of shooters and my girl posse and I are on our way to our 3rd club. My strapless mini dress is out of sorts and I am drunkenly trying to fix it in time to smile at an oncoming group of dudes that I am SO sure ALL want me and holy shit, where the hell did I put my lip gloss? OMG, seriously, where the FUCK is it?!! Can I borrow yours?! HURRY UP!!!!

If you are over the age of 23, this fragrance can only be pulled off with any trace of dignity in the summertime, when the smell of sugary fruit is a more than welcome alternative to the body odor of passers-by.  I would not attempt to wear this at ALL, EVER, with anything that remotely resembles office wear, not even business casual. Don't you worry, though. You'll have plenty of places to wear this stuff. You can easily pull off Moon Sparkle at:
 

• A tropical resort
• Someone's crazy house party
• A rave
• The club
• The bar
• Disney World
• Home, by yourself

Now, if you think you can handle the demanding conditions to which you must vigilantly adhere in order to enjoy Moon Sparkle without consequence, make sure you go big. Get the 3.3 oz. bottle, and when you spray it on, spray it on with reckless abandon. Treat it as though it were mosquito repellent and you're lost in Southeast Asia; leave no bare skin uncovered.

You can go to the store and pay retail for the 3.3 ounce bottle which would be $70 and really silly, or you can poke around online and find it for around $30.

Oh, and don't forget to tune in next week for Perfume Time Machine: Scents of the 80s!

At $11.00 for a 5mL bottle of handcrafted perfume oil, you can afford to buy this sweet, voodoo love spell blindly. Visit Wiggle Perfume's Etsy Shop to purchase. Sakura and Penelope are other favorites of mine.

Compared to some perfume collectors, my stash is modest. Compared to the average person on the street, I have every perfume ever conceived of in the space time continuum. In my defense, my purchases are all calculated, each perfume serving a specific purpose. Some of those purposes include:

• Making me feel rich while I'm grocery shopping
• Ensuring my perspiration smells like fruit so strangers will think I'm magical
• Keeping people's attention during work-related meetings
• Confirming that life is devoid of all hope as I'm crying alone in my bedroom during week 4 of my birth control pill pack every month
• Alleviating the symptoms of spring fever
• Boosting my self-esteem by eliciting compliments from total strangers

and obviously the most important of all:

• Exponentially increasing my chances of making out with someone really hot

Given that the aforementioned purpose is usually pretty high up on my list of priorities, it makes sense that I have more perfumes that serve that purpose than any other, and even more sense that my personal Holy Grail of all the fragrances I've worn is the one that has brought me the most success in that department.

So, here it is. My Holy Grail of fragrances:

PERFUME NAME:
Miss Dior Cherie

PERFUME HOUSE:
Christian Dior

PERFUMER:
Christine Nagel

YEAR:
2005 ( reformulated in 2007 )

OLFACTIVE FAMILY:
Chypre Fruity according to fragrantica.com but I'm going to veto that and say it's a Floral Fruity.

DESCRIPTION:
Top notes include wild strawberry leaves and something called "green tangerine". I'm pretty sure there is no such thing as a green tangerine, but I appreciate the sentiment. The heart notes claim to be caramel popcorn, violets, wild strawberry, and pink jasmine. The base is musk and patchouli.

CONCENTRATION:
Eau de Parfum

MY EXPERIENCE:
I am not looking forward to the day I look 35 (which at the current rate I am aging should happen when I'm about 46) because that will be the day this sweet, intoxicating smell will officially be age inappropriate and I will have to retire it. This fragrance is clearly marketed to the hip, modern gal in her early 20s to early 30s as evidenced by its fruity, carefree scent and this commercial directed by Sophia Coppola:

While I'm not much of a bicycle rider and my French, though persistent, is really fucking terrible, this young lady and I clearly share the same MO: Making out with hot dudes then immediately flying away with a bunch of balloons, allowing everyone in town to see our underwear.

This fragrance is criticized by many as not being "sophisticated" enough for the Dior line, but those people are missing the point of this fragrance entirely. The name of this fragrance is Miss Dior Cherie after all, not "Matronly Dior" or "Dior Spinster".  

Miss Dior Cherie is a joyful blend of sweet, ripened berries and a hint of soft, romantic flowers – probably pink ones ( definitely not violets, as claimed in Dior's description). This fragrance comes dangerously close to being a gourmand scent, which based on my scientific research is a positive attribute for me and about 70% of the heterosexual male population. 

This perfume smells like warm, sunny days free of obligation, silk bows, heart-shaped lockets, reckless abandon, and someone who has really shiny hair. The dry down lasts for quite awhile and remains faintly sweet, but that faint sweetness comes with a tart, woody accord that prevents it from turning into maraschino syrup. This aspect is especially appreciated in the event that you still need to smell good when you…you know…wake up in the morning.

I wear it often and for many reasons: when I need to lift my mood, when my outfit is particularly well accessorized, when kittens are cute, when pink is for girls, when the sky is blue, when rainbows have colors and because of its track record of success, when I need to achieve a minimum of second base with a hot guy and subsequently fly away.

*   *   *   *  *

THERE'S STILL TIME TO ENTER THE GIVEAWAY!

The prize you receive probably won't get you any hot action unless you're going for the 70+ set, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to win! All you have to do is leave a comment on any entry on this website and you will be entered in a random drawing to win a gag-inducing miniature bottle of Shatimar – err, I mean, Shalimar. The winner will be chosen on the evening of March 4th and announced on March 5th. 

See my review from March 2, 2010 for scent details. This one is pricey at retail, but if you're willing to do some legwork, you can usually find a 1.7oz (50mL) bottle for around $45.